Notes on 30
This weekend I turned 30.
To be honest, I am still trying to make sense of that fact. I always expected to have a bit of a meltdown at 30, but I'm not really sure how I feel. In many ways 30 doesn't seem any different to 29 and yet in others ways it really does.
30 was always 'my age'. You know - when you are a kid and you think about the future? Well, my future was always my 30 year old self. I recently found an old journal and stumbled across some pages where my 12 year old self had written out what life would be like for my 30 year old self. It went like this....
When I am 30 I will be married with 4 children. A boy, twin girls and another boy. I will live in a nice house in the countryside with roses around the door. I will have 2 dogs, a Dulux dog and a labrador. I will have some sheep and chickens in the garden. For my job I will be a teacher at the village primary school and the children will be nice.
I laughed when I read those words and then I shed some tears - not because I was especially sad but because I had forgotten about that 12 year old girl. Her innocence, her dreams and beliefs.
I can tell you my life doesn't look like my 12 year old self expected it to. That's not a bad thing, I know I am exactly where I need to be and I know there is so much to come - new experiences, people who will come into my life, challenges, breakthroughs. The same excitement and hope my 12 year old self felt is still there.
And I love where I am now. For someone who struggled with low self-esteem for most of her twenties, I feel like I am now growing into my skin. There are things I want to change about my life but that's the beauty of it - I have that ability. The important thing is that I am coming to accept who I am, to believe I am loveable and worthy. To have confidence I can do this. I can figure it out. But more importantly, to accept I am a work in progress. Always.
So here's to 30, and whatever this decade will bring.
On a less reflective note, I had the best birthday weekend - Mr Lovely thoroughly spoilt me and made sure everything went without a hitch (including sourcing hay bales at the last minute!). I will be sharing the details of the party later this week!